This post will be very sad and and full of pain, in case you are too sensitive – do not read futher.
Another beautiful soul has passed away. It is hard to write, but certain words simply need to be said.
I new Alena for few years, knew enough to see a strong heart and beautiful personality she was. She was an EVS coordinator from Saint-Petersburg and was a part of EVS coordinators community in Russia. And she died. In 15 minutes went to coma. Then died being just 29 year old.
I was checking my facebook friends list, and I was shocked from the fact that I have 7 people who are not here anymore. Some were more close, some less. Ghost least on facebook is becoming longer… weird…, people who never write me again. Friends forever, no way to exchange a message, a smile, give a like, no way to unfriend.
Artem, my ex-EVS volunteer passed away some years ago. A guy who was into extremal sport drowned in swimming pool. Stupid. I remember the time when we went for kayaking – strong man, he was sleeping outdoor every night, in the morning his faced was covered with frost. We all were laughing like crazy, calling him “frozen santa”….
Maja, one of my best friends, was in one of those fucking trains that crushed face-to face in Poland 5 years ago. That was a technical meeting of Alliance and I was still on my EVS in France. Crazy middle of France…. Phone call. Eduard.
– “Do you know?”
My legs started trembling. I am falling down. Luckily there was a wall behind me. I spoke with her by phone just few days ago, for her birthday… We had so many plans. Even now, typing all this, my fingers are trembling. I still hate my ex-EVS coordinator for the fact that I could not leave France, as most of my stay I was illegal, I could not go for funerals, and I could do nothing. Nobody could help. Still have inside this deep feeling of vulnerability and despair….
My old sister, Olga, disappeared 14 years ago, at 28 years old….After sometime – no hope.
Here is an extract from the last post of Alena on facebook, I translated it in English, as I believe more people should read it:
“I look at how bizarrely people come together – they are friends, work and study together. I’m no longer with them. At the same time I am – I joined them, I made them meet. I am in them. And I’m sad, but also joyful – I exist. “I exist” – all the time I repeat it to myself and this is so unusual and strange. I exist, like it has always been, but maybe not always. It is fact that we are taught and educated not to be ourselves (by those who love us of course, the closest people with good intentions), we have to be this or that. We have to be different from what we are, to fit in social norms and expectations. They educate us unless we learn how to be a different person, a stranger, unless we forget who we really are and we live our lives in a deep cheat. Too many does and donts. Yes and no. Saying yes meant no. No – meaning yes….”
Nothing else I want to say in this post. Just be yourself. Call, write, hug, kiss those who are important. Call even if you are afraid or dont know what to say, you will find words, I am sure! Go to the mirror, look into your eyes. Say hello the guy/ girl looking at you from there. Set priorities with your heart, not with your brains. Life consists of small stupid and weird moments and feelings, this is all what matters at the end of the day. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be shy. Be straight forward. Be honest, first of all with yourself. There might be no second chance. Life may end in 15 min. I saw it, believe me.
Be alive. Stay alive. Feel alive.
It’s a moment for challenge.